Harry Potter and the Army of Mary-Sues
by Mandy Brocklehurst
Summary: Harry Potter wakes one morning to find the wizarding world very different. Snape has washed his hair, Hermione is ripping books, and suddenly Malfoy isn't so evil. Who is behind the acts of insanity? R/R


Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All characters, and places derived from the popular Harry Potter books are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros as well as various publishing companies. In other words, I don't own anything! Sadly enough, not even Mary Sue, because she belongs to the thousands of authors out there who constantly write fics about her. I'm sure those before me have come up with this idea of a backwards day as well… but so far I haven't found one where someone has joined the evil powers of the Mary Sues.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
For the first time in months, Harry was actually able to get a restful night's sleep. Lately he had been having these nightmares with hundreds of annoyingly perfect blondes. He slept peacefully though; he woke up to find the sun shining brightly through his bed curtains. He looked around the dorm and found that everyone had been gone for what looked like hours.  
  
Looking at his watch, Harry exclaimed, "Oh no! I'm going to be late for Potions!" He hastily pulled a pair of robes over is pajamas and ran as fast as he could down to the dungeons.  
  
"Harry, dear boy! I'm so glad that you could join us!" Snape had said once he entered the room. Harry's jaw dropped and he studied Snape intensely. His hair was actually washed! It looked smooth, silky and when leaning a bit closer, Harry noticed that it was fluffy.  
  
"P-p-professor!" stuttered Harry, "What have you done to your hair!"  
  
"I gave it a full on conditioning treatment!" Snape said, patting his hair gently, "10 points to Gryffindor Harry for the compliment". Harry stood there for a moment, staring at Snape. "Well don't dawdle, hurry up over to your seat!" Snape urged. Harry gave him one more glance and took a seat next to Hermione. Ron was over sitting right next to Malfoy and whispering something in his ear.  
  
"Hey Hermione", Harry said, "What's Ron doing over there with Malfoy?"  
  
"How should I know?" Hermione said, slumping down in her seat. She then took out one of her books and started ripping it to shreds.  
  
"Hermione!" yelled Harry, "What are you doing?"  
  
"I hate books", she responded, "They're only trouble". Harry took the book out of her hand assuming that she was just temporarily out of her mind. He shoved all of her books into her book bag and set it next to him under the table.  
  
"Okay, like I was explaining before, we're going to be making a love potion!" Snape told the class. "Now, you all know the ingredients, so you have permission to start."  
  
"Hermione, where are your notes with the ingredients?" asked Harry.  
  
"What notes?"  
  
"Don't tell me you didn't take notes! You always take notes!"  
  
"Sorry, Mr. Perfect! We'll have to do the best we can without them!" Hermione yelled and then started pounding random ingredients and throwing everything in front of her into the boiling cauldron. Harry just sighed, and figured he'd just let her blow off the steam she had, even if it meant failing Potions for the day.  
  
He looked back at Ron and Malfoy. Something was wrong. They were working at the same cauldron, without attempting to slam each other's heads into it. Ron was teasing Malfoy, who had a whole wreathe of flowers in his blonde hair.  
  
I'm still dreaming, Harry thought to himself, I have been dragged into the newest nightmare and any second I'm going to wake up. He closed his eyes tightly and then opened them again. Everything was the same. This time, Harry pinched himself, until there were red marks all the way up his arm.  
  
"Class, listen up!" Snape said, clasping a hand over Neville's shoulder. Harry grimaced, afraid that he was really digging his fingernails into the poor boy. "Neville has brewed the perfect love potion. Come over here and see how it has the right consistency of a purple and pink tint. 50 points to Gryffindor Neville for your excellent achievement." After saying this, Hermione cursed loudly as her and Harry's potion boiled over and turned a lime green.  
  
"Watch it! It's going to blow!" someone yelled nearby, and right they were. Hermione ducked under the table as the cauldron melted and the potion was strewed all over the students.  
  
"20 points from Slytherin Malfoy!" bellowed Snape in a very familiar voice as he attempted to clean up the students. It turned out that Hermione's potion had the ability to burn the flesh.  
  
"But Professor", argued Malfoy pathetically, "I didn't even do anything!"  
  
"I don't care!" Snape said softly, but still in a frightening manner as he conjured up water and soaked everything.  
  
* * *  
  
The rest of Harry's classes that day were as horrifying and scary, if that possible. Professor McGonagall had declared that she was sick of notes and working, and changed into a tight fitting, red mini dress and let her hair out of her bun. Her long, dark hair rippled down her back and she danced on top of her desk. To the disgust of Harry, quite a few boys seemed to be staring at her in more than the casual way. Professor Sprout had told them they could light fire to the greenhouses because they were starting to revolt her.  
  
Hermione would sit in class, not paying much attention, and break every rule she possibly could. To Harry's horror, Ron seemed to be attracting a lot of attention now, and everywhere he went, there was sure to be a trail of giggling girls behind him. Harry tried talking to him, but it was just as boring as trying to have a conversation with Percy. Malfoy was just as different. He conversed with Gryffindors (including Ron), hugged everyone he came across, and broke down crying saying his family didn't mean anything to him.  
  
Once Harry ran into Peeves wishing students a good day, and handing out Chocolate Frogs he yelled, "That's it! Dumbledore has to know about this!" He stomped all the way up to his office and stopped in front of the oh so familiar gargoyle. Strongly resisting kicking it, Harry said very rushed, "Sugar Quill, Bertie's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs", but the gargoyle just jumped aside immediately.  
  
"Finally", muttered Harry, "Something that went right with this day."  
  
"Professor", said Harry, "May I have a word with you?" Dumbledore did not appear to hear him though. He was busy cursing under his desks.  
  
"Damn students, always disturbing my naps", he grumbled.  
  
"Um… Professor", Harry tried again.  
  
"Yes, yes, come on in. What do you want?" The familiar twinkle was lost from Dumbledore's eye and he truly looked like a grumpy old man.  
  
"I just wanted to report how oddly people have acting around here. You don't think it's one of Voldemort's new chaotic plans do you?"  
  
"AH!!! You idiotic boy!!! What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack? Please result to using You-Know-Who if you don't mind in the future", Dumbledore exclaimed, clasping his heart. Not missing his cue, Voldemort appeared on spot.  
  
"My dear man", Voldemort said, closing his eyes and floating in the air with his legs crossed, "You must breathe, calm down. You must become one with your surroundings and accept them. Here, have a flower".  
  
"Voldemort?" Harry asked horrified. A terribly nice Snape seemed incredibly strange at the time; he hadn't thought he would encounter anything weirder. But a nice Voldemort? Harry began to feel a little faint and he pressed his hand to his forehead to check if he was coming down with a fever.  
  
"Please, if you don't mind, call me Voldie", Voldemort asked still closing his eyes.  
  
"Ah, you're a bunch of crap anyways", Dumbledore cursed and picked up an object on his desk, throwing it at Voldemort. Voldie opened his eyes and caught the object.  
  
"Brother, we must not fight. Peace is the only answer. Say it with me; breathe it into your soul. Peace." Harry looked at him oddly and then ran out of the room hoping that by some miracle, Dumbledore and Voldemort would finish each other off. He ran away as fast as he could, shoving people aside before he could recognize how odd they were. He ran until he found himself in front of Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. The only bright side to that was she was usually so depressing and dreary, that she actually might be decent now.  
  
He opened the door slowly to see the bathroom perfectly clean and dry. A cheery little ghost was singing in the corner laughing.  
  
"Moaning Myrtle?" Harry asked, his voice going high.  
  
"Please, I prefer just Myrtle now", Moaning Myrtle requested. An idea occurred to Harry. He would have to go where no one else in his or her right minds would go. He would go back into the Chamber of Secrets. Perhaps there he would find the source of the problem.  
  
"Oh, alright then", Harry said, "I'm just going to use one of your taps to get down to the Chamber of Secrets. You don't mind do you?"  
  
"Of course not", she answered cheerfully, "what's mine is yours Harry".  
  
"Thanks", Harry said and turned to the familiar pipe with the snake carved into it. He hissed to have the pipes open and reveal pitch darkness.  
  
* * *  
  
"Well, here goes nothing. It can't be that bad. The Basilisk is already dead anyways", Harry comforted himself. He took a breath and jump right down. The pipes seemed a bit slimier than last time and the turns made Harry's stomach turn. Just when he thought he couldn't handle anymore, he landed with a thud on the floor, in front of the barrier of rocks that had fallen the last time he was down there.  
  
"UGH!" Harry exclaimed as he flung the slime off his arms and wrung it out of his hair.  
  
"Well, the great Harry Potter has finally found us", a voice said. Harry couldn't see anything but the voice sounded like it was music and came from the slight and delicate playing of a harp. A light suddenly appeared to reveal a shockingly beautiful blonde with violet eyes and the most perfect body imaginable.  
  
"NO! It's you!" Harry screamed, fighting his hormones desperately as he stared at the perfect blonde. She was the one constantly haunting him in his dreams.  
  
"Yes Harry, it is I, Mary-Sue. Look who I have brought you to meet", she said, flashing perfectly straight and white teeth. Behind her stood more blondes, as well as girls with red, purple, blue and black hair. They were all wearing Muggle clothes that accented their eccentric eyes and hair colors as well as their body perfectly.  
  
"No", Harry said again, "It can't be real. You all were just in my dreams. Ha! That's just what this is, another dream!"  
  
"I'm afraid", Mary-Sue started, "That this is very real. You see dear Harry Potter; it has not been Lord Voldemort that has been your greatest enemy. Ha! He was merely working for us! No, we plan to bring chaos to the wizarding world. You can see from your experiences today that we have already begun. Tomorrow we shall begin the next stage by introducing inexperienced writers in order to change the course of all of your pathetic lives!"  
  
Harry screamed and tried to fight off the beautiful women surrounding him. They continued to edge in closer and closer to him until he could smell their perfectly fragranced perfume. "Get away or else I'll use my wand!" he yelled, only to receive laughs from the evil Mary-Sues. They laughed and laughed while Harry covered his ears to block them out and closed his eyes tightly. A sheet of icy water drenched him.  
  
* * *  
  
"Harry! Wake up! We've been trying to get you up for the last ten minutes!" someone yelled, shaking his shoulders furiously. Harry focused to see his best friend's red hair above him.  
  
"Oh gods Ron! I had the worst nightmare!" Harry shuddered. "Snape had washed his hair, Hermione was shredding books, Voldemort was preaching peace, and you. You were acting just like Percy and were best friends with Malfoy!" Harry didn't want to add in the part of the blonde. For some reason, he didn't think Ron would actually believe him and why he would have any reason to fear them.  
  
"Ugh!" exclaimed Ron. "Me friends with Malfoy? That must have been a nightmare! Good thing it was only a dream. Hurry up! We've got to get down to breakfast. Potions is first."  
  
"Only a dream", Harry sighed, reminding himself and leaned back into his pillows. It had all seemed so real.  
  
Seamus ran past Harry's bed and threw himself out of a window screaming.  
  
"No Seamus! I really do love you!" yelled Neville as he followed after. A pink elephant with bright blue spots then flew across the room and took Ron away. Harry sat up with his eyes wide open. A bright violet message was written across the wall in an elegant cursive: Beware Harry Potter, the Second Stage has Begun ~ The Army of Mary-Sues. 


End file.
